No Wish to be Alone
Chapter 8
Night had fallen by the time
he awoke. She was still there, humming peacefully. Her face was turned up to
the moon, her eyes closed, smiling faintly. He was achingly reminded of how she
had looked that first night in the valley, when he had found her wading in the
stream. He stirred, and she looked down at him. "Well, hello."
"Love…," he said,
his throat raw as though he’d been screaming. "You—you stopped the
pain."
Her gaze softened as she drew
one finger down the side of his face. "Did I? Good. You looked so hurt. I
used a sleep spell to make you rest. Can you walk?" At his nod, she
continued. "We should get into the bedrolls; it’s starting to get cold out
here." She helped him sit up, then stand, putting her arm about his waist
to steady him. He did feel weak, now that he thought about it. Together, arms
around each other, they moved to the place where their blankets lay. She helped
him get comfortable, then, to his surprise, she lay beside him and covered them
both with her open sleeping bag. Feeling his questioning glance, she shrugged
up at him. "I want to be near you, and I think you need someone to hold
onto tonight. And you," she giggled, "Don’t get any ideas. I really
just want to sleep."
He smiled, for real this time.
"My lady, for you, I can be a gentleman in every sense of the word. I
merely ask one thing…," He tilted her face up to his, whispering,
"One touch of your lips?"
A delicious shiver went down
her spine. "Of course, my lord." She leaned over him, her braid
falling over one shoulder. He pulled her down to him, meeting her halfway. His
hand cupped the back of her neck, fingertips tracing designs under her hair.
The other caught her chin, tilting her head to give him better access to her
soft lips. His mouth closed over hers, and she arched against him, hands
drawing him closer. He rolled so she lay half beneath him, weaving fingers in
and out of her hair. Finally, he pulled away, leaving her breathless and
wanting.
Taking a steadying breath, he
said, "Well, it’s a good thing I am a gentleman." She giggled again,
snuggling into his embrace.
"Hmm…if I wasn’t a good
girl, I’d probably let you keep going." They both laughed a bit nervously.
Soon they were both settled.
He marveled at how perfectly she fit against him, her body lying comfortably in
the niche between his and the ground. Her head was pillowed on his arm, her
hands lying flat against his chest. He cradled her in his arms, his free hand
at her waist. They stayed like that for a long time, neither one speaking. He
was beginning to drift when he heard her small voice, somewhat muffled by the
blankets. "What is it, love?"
She was quiet for a moment,
but he sensed she was trying to find the words. Turning a serious gaze upon
him, she said, "You’re not going to like it, but I need to ask you
something."
"All right. Go
ahead." He frowned a bit.
"What happened out there
today?"
Ah, so that was it. "It’s
nothing for you to worry about. It’s something I have to work out on my
own."
"No, it’s not!" She
replied vehemently. "I need to know!"
He sighed. "Now?"
She nodded.
"Very well, then."
He sounded annoyed. "I have, of late, been having visions. They torment me
when I least expect it, usually when doing my katas." He flinched inwardly
at the memory of burning flesh, blood staining his hands. "I think of it
as my penance."
"Penance?"
"A punishment for the
terrible things I’ve done." We have not the power to forgive you,
General. You must forgive yourself.
"You mean from when you
were the head of SOLDIER?"
"No! I have no regrets
for that part of my life. What I did then was part of war; if I killed then, it
was on the battlefield, or in self-defense. I fought men who were prepared to
die, who would kill me if I didn’t get them first."
"Then what is eating you
up inside like this? What do you have to atone for?"
He realized she knew the
answer, but he said it anyway. "For Nibelheim. For the people I killed
while under Jenova’s spell. For the innocent workers in the ShinRa building,
who were unfortunate enough to merely be in my way. For the SOLDIERS I
murdered, many of whom knew me before I changed."
His fingers gripped her arms
too tightly, but she dared not interrupt him. She bit her lip instead.
"I destroyed a village!
Nibelheim burned because of me!" He was shaking. Why was she making him
talk about this now? "Don’t you understand? I killed everyone! I was
insane! And I can never bring them back!" The angry, red, burning despair
was coming back. He waited for it to engulf him, as it always did, waited for
the faces to appear, laughing, taunting him.
Nothing happened.
He blinked back tears once
more, but instead of hurting, they healed. He felt her arms around him again,
felt her stroking his hair and murmuring in his ear just as he had done that
first night he ran away with her. He buried his face against her neck and wept.
"I have forgiven you. You
didn’t know what you were doing. It was Jenova, not you. Please, love, let it
go." She put her hands on either side of his face and forced him to look
at her. "I don’t mean you should forget it ever happened. It did, and no,
you can’t bring them back. But you need to realize that it wasn’t you, it
wasn’t your mind, it was Jenova, using your body to do her dirty work. She
needed a scapegoat. You were perfect for her. You’re the strongest man alive,
the most powerful magic-user, and you have her cells running throughout your
body. The only chink in your flawless armor was your need to be accepted, loved
by someone or something.
"I think she sensed that.
When you got close enough to her, she promised you everything, didn’t she? And
you were ready to grasp anything that might get you what you needed.
"But it’s a very human
failing, to desire acceptance. It makes us all do things we normally wouldn’t
do. I gave in to that failing, myself, when I tried to pretend that I couldn’t
hear the Planet calling me when I was a child. Everyone whispered about me
behind their hands. ‘She hears voices,’ they’d say, and shake their heads
sadly. It hurt so much, knowing what I knew, and realizing how cruel people can
be without thinking."
His tears had slowed, and he
gaped at her, astonished. She had suffered the way he had? How could people be
so blind? She was so kind, sweet, loving, open—and they still had treated her
like that?
And she still wanted to save
them all?
He needed to think about this.
"Please, love, you need
to let this go," she repeated. "For my sake." She dropped her
voice to a whisper. "For your sake."
"How did you know all
that?" He asked wonderingly. "No one knows my story of that
day."
"I dreamed it when it
happened, five years ago." His arms tightened around her. "That’s
why…I could never hate you. I remember the look on your face when you began
reading the books in that library. I wanted to hold you then, especially when
you found out about Dr. Hojo’s plans for you. I was seventeen; I thought I’d
only had a nightmare, and you had just been on television when it happened, so
I tried to pretend it was all part of my subconscious making things up. But
then I heard the news reports that you’d died, and suddenly, I knew. The Planet
confirmed it for me. I knew the truth about you. I always have. I know how
heartsick you were."
His eyes locked with hers.
"You knew, even when you went to the City to die."
A slight nod, then,
"That’s why I went." She huddled closer. "Please, love, you need
to forgive yourself. Until then, Jenova will always have a piece of your heart,
whether you want her to or not."
"Gods, woman, you amaze
me. How did you do that?"
"What?"
"Get me to go from
relaxed, to angry, to penitent, to shocked, to curious, and finally to
thoughtful, all in the space of a few minutes."
She sighed again, shifting
against him to get comfortable. "It’s a gift."
He closed his eyes, trying not
to think of what her movement was doing to him. "Ahem…then consider this a
gift in return." Cupping her face once more, he placed a tender kiss on
her forehead. "Now go to sleep."
"Hmmm…goodnight, love.
Think about what I said."
"I will." He pulled
the blanket over her head as a chilly breeze flew through the camp.